recovering from disappointment.

So, as I sit here bashing myself for being so darn slow (hey, aren't I the one who chose the "slowbike" moniker?) I watched the live feed of the Boston Marathon yesterday. While I'm far from being a "real" runner, I have bought a few copies of the worst magazine in the sport at airports and I've come to really love Kara Goucher.

Kara's this awesome Minnesotan girl who after going buck wild winning some serious collegiate races moved to Portland and got a job with the Evil Empire as a full-time runner. She trains 2x most days, capping her weeks with a 22 miler where she wears a weight vest for the last 5 miles or so. She takes 2-3 ice baths a week. She's hardcore... but also cute. And goofy. And a midwesterner.

Anyway, she's trained for months, full-time, for Boston. She was very public about her hope to become the first American woman in more than 20 years to win. She went all-out, cards on the table. It was all over the news.

Then, she got dropped 400m from the finish. And placed third. And collapsed crying into the arms of her husband. And then had to sit in front of a press corps and relive it.

So, today I'm telling myself to harden the fuck up. Seriously. So I lost miserably in some crappy little mountain bike race- which I'm so serious about that I hadn't even BEEN on a trail before it this year. Who the hell thinks they can show up to an event they haven't even DONE in months and do decently (much less, racing against the experts?) And then Kara, who not only actually tried, but made her entire life about it... came so close... she has the right to be upset.

Am i actually comparing myself? Yes, but obviously not in pace or achievements, but in investment vs returns. I have no right to complain - or hate myself for it - when I didn't come anywhere close to preparing or truly even trying. I had it coming. Kara showed that sometimes you can put it all out there and still come up short. But when you don't put anything out there, you can't complain, because you'll always come up short.

So today I thought about Kara when I ran, and I turned in a run 45 sec faster than marathon pace. As much as I hate admitting it, right now I'm a runner, not a rider.