accuser / victim

I don't want to get too into this, but I'm nose-deep in a crap heap that I consider holding people accountable for their actions, but apparently is also Some Great Deal that puts the spotlight equally on me, and I'm starting to realize why people whose modus opperandi is destructive get away with it again, and again, and again.

I don't believe that anyone who vocalizes racist, sexist, or otherwise prejudiced and hurtful things should have any role of authority whatsoever. I know that getting people to not feel these things is a long road, but we can at least expect them not to express their hurtful ideas aloud in public. Federal law actually prohibits much of this kind of speech in the workplace, labeled as creating a "hostile work environment." But when the setting isn't a traditional workplace, the rules change, even though they shouldn't.

The problem is that outside of a workplace law and a clear chain of command, holding these people accountable is very difficult. I always respond with a "do you really mean that?" or "please don't say that ever again."
Without fail, the person will reply with the textbook "Don't you have a sense of humor?"

Ha. Ha ha. Yeah, being hurtful toward people is hilarious, isn't it? Like, the things you just said would get you fired from any workplace in a hot second but since you're standing next to me in something other than that, you're just joking around and we're old buddies. UGH.

This is what I endured this summer. After neverending "jokes" and clearly flat responses to my requests they stop, he turned his aim to me and actually started harassing me, middle school style. I was going to leave, but instead was asked to file a "complaint." Sure, whatever.

I thought this meant putting on the record and in writing what he did, and that was that. Instead this has unfolded into a three month long process where I'm being forced to tell my story as a "victim" again, and again, and again. Now, tonight, I'm doing it again, with the offender on the phone. He has the right to defend himself, right?

I've just never been through a process like this before. I waiver between completely incensed and completely done with it. From my perspective, he was in the wrong, I'm in the right, yet it's taken hours and hours and hours of my time to go through this and I'm having to play a victim in a way with which I'm completely uncomfortable. Then I heard that after he knew about this whole thing he has continued to act the same way, galvanizing me to close out this process, but I'm still totally burned out on being the victim and I don't understand why I'm asked to stand up against him when really it should have taken just me, a witness, his defense, and it be over. It's about him, not me, and I'm really sick of feeling like it's about both.

I really, really hope tonight is the last of it. I keep telling myself this is for the "Greater Good" when really it doesn't matter. Nothing changes people like this. We have to relegate them to dark corners and try to lower tolerances for "sense of humor." But sometimes someone needs to stick their neck out. It just sucks that this time it had to be me.